Made For You
Over the past few years, we've been secretly putting nano-scaled droids into the ink of our stickers you've been buying. We use these droids to surveil your every move as well as your likeness into our database. We then use this data of you to make sure this hat fits your ugly fuckin' noggin perfectly when you put it on your head. We promise we don't use for any other illicit activities (lying).
Perfect For Your Bad Hair Days (AKA: Your Average Day)
Let's be honest: We also noticed the bald spot forming on the back of your head. That shit shiny as a brand new penny. If the sun hit it at the strike of noon, you'd blind everyone in a 5 mile radius behind you. You wouldn't want that now would you? Then it's time to cover up that safety hazard with this (probably) not safety hazard.
Reality Warping
We don't even know what was happening when we took this photo, it just started doing that when we put it on the branch in our backyard. So who knows what will happen when you put this shit on. It may help you start making better decisions in your life (you won't). It might start getting you some bitches (it won't). It may melt your head into acid (probably). There's no telling what this hat will do (we know exactly what will happen, it's possibility #3), it's up to you to give us your money and find out.